I Know One Person for Whom the Printing Press Was a Bad Idea
You'll laugh yourself sick over the irony
NOTICE OF INTENT TO COLLECT A DEBT
1 April 1440
Johannes Gutenberg
St. Arbogast Parish
Strasbourg, Germany
Dear Mr. Gutenberg,
Thank you for your recent invention of the movable-type printing press. It is a marvelous invention. We are certain that in the future, when we near the end of the second millennium, you will rank highly on a televised "People of the Millennium" countdown.
Your printing press has enabled us to send cheaply printed collection notices to thousands of debtors. Unfortunately, that includes you. We have been laughing ourselves sick over the irony. Nonetheless, we request that you promptly repay your outstanding balance of 800 guilders.
Your printing press has also enabled us to publish a breathy collection of your love letters, which we obtained last year from your paramour in exchange for the release of her debt. At first we had no intention to publish them—it being too costly to do so—and we were content to pass them around the office during late nights of debt-collecting, marveling at the unembarrassed affection you seem to have for dark-haired Bavarians. (You certainly have a “type.” Get it?) But then came your printing press and a funny thing happened. It suddenly became easy and economical to publish your love letters, which we have been doing to great profit. Granted, we realize this must be extremely embarrassing for you, what with all the page-long descriptions of tender elbows and moist cheeks, but it’s been very profitable for us. Bravo, sir. Your printing press made it possible.
But we digress. Please remit payment of your debt as soon as possible. If you are thinking about selling the timber on your land to raise funds, I wouldn’t bother. That land has already been thoroughly deforested by the paper-hungry publishing industry you single-handedly created. Ah, the irony!
Sincerely,
Arnold Gelthus