Steve Guttenberg is in the Calendar
My wife controls the calendar in our house. But I don’t look at it much. As a result, I am often caught off guard when a routine question triggers an exasperated reminder that we’re going somewhere.
“What do you want for dinner tonight?” I ask.
“We’re going to a party.”
“What party?”
“It’s in the calendar.”
“What calendar?”
“The calendar on your phone.”
“I deleted it.”
“You deleted the calendar?”
“Apple said I should delete unused apps.”
“We’re supposed to be there by six o’clock.”
“What? Today?”
“Yes, tonight.”
“Where is my advance notice? I need this stuff submitted to me in advance.”
“It’s been in the calendar for two weeks.”
“You know I don’t look at the calendar.”
“I know that.”
“Then why did you tell me in it’s in the calendar like I know what’s in the calendar?”
“It’s in the calendar.”
It didn’t used to be this way. At first, I tried to use the calendar. I tried to add an event. But to add an event I need my wife’s permission, which I don’t often get.
“I tried to add this thing to the calendar. It’s a date with myself to watch the Policy Academy movies.”
“I denied it.”
“Why did you deny it?”
“Why do you need to add Police Academy movies to the calendar? That’s something you do by yourself. You don’t need to add it to the calendar when it doesn’t involve other people. Anyway, I don’t see what’s so calendar-worthy about Police Academy movies.”
“I need them. Police Academy movies are nourishment. They feed the soul. They are part of my artistic recovery. Whenever I am feeling blocked creatively, I watch a Police Academy movie. When I see Steve Guttenberg, I get unblocked. It’s like there is a pipe in my brain and Steve Guttenberg is the Drano. He gets rid stubborn clogs. Hair, grease, wads of paper towels—Steve Guttenberg gets rid of them all.”
“Okay. I’ll accept your request. How many hours do you need?”
“Fourteen.”
“Fourteen?”
“There are seven Police Academy movies.”
“That’s a lot of Steve Guttenberg.”
“I’m feeling very blocked.”
In truth, Steve Guttenberg is only in the first four movies, but I don’t tell my wife that.
Probably one of the few who does not use a calendar on my cell phone, must less a shared one. I try to keep everything in my head, which, given our limited social life, has not been a problem. Before cell phones, I was proud of my ability to keep phone numbers in my brain, but this is becoming a lost art.
"In truth, Steve Guttenberg is only in the first four movies, but I don’t tell my wife that." She knows, she knows...