Never Date a Particle Physicist
She'll only break your heart, and in the weirdest way possible
A friend of mine received this letter from the woman he’s been seeing. The woman in question, a brilliant and accomplished particle physicist, has written what I think is a “Dear John” letter, but neither of us can tell exactly. We don’t understand the academic style or the references. Read it for yourself and let me know in the comments what you think.
My Dear Esteemed Colleague,
I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. Your recent correspondence expressing your concerns and apprehensions about my hitherto unsuspected relationship with Dr. Gordon Foster has been received and thoroughly read. I was deeply moved by your investigative spirit, the admission of your true feelings, and the feverishness of your request for an explanation of where I was last night. The courage and forthrightness evident in your demeanor command my utmost respect and admiration.
In the spirit of the honesty and transparency that our relationship discourse has always exhibited, I must tell you I was engaging in scholastic intercourse with Dr. Foster last night. For the past two years, Dr. Foster has become a significant new variable in my romantic equations and has catalyzed a process of stimulating entanglement for me.
I understand that my sharing late-night library privileges with Dr. Foster may complicate our relationship. Yet I cannot help but feel emotionally aligned with both you and Dr. Foster in a quantum superposition of emotions. In the realm of particle physics, I often navigate the blurry lines between what is seen and unseen, said and unsaid. I am trapped inside a duality that is not only true of particles, but also of relationships. This is scientifically proven.
I realize this must seem like some spooky action at a distance. But please understand. My aim is not to replace you with Dr. Foster in my affections—such a thing is neither possible nor desirable—but to provide solace, as well as companionship on every other weekend and during occasional office hours.
As multifaceted as this situation is, I know that in time you will understand. Your ability to understand resonates deeply with me and reaffirms the mutual intellectual and emotional bond we have always shared. I appreciate your patience, your open-mindedness, and your willingness to overlook interpersonal communications of a scholarly nature on your desk.
In closing, I hope this letter conveys my enduring affection for you. My feelings for you have always been genuine. Although what Dr. Foster and I shared while you were out of town, working late, and in the next room was compelling, please know it does not overshadow or reduce the intellectual and emotional bond that you and I have shared throughout our own impassioned discourse. The path ahead may seem uncertain, but it's a path I wish to embark upon with you (and Dr. Foster).
Yours in learned affection,
Dr. Evelyn Grellinger
p.s. While I know that you will, in time, accept the validity of my feelings for Dr. Foster, I acknowledge that the pace and direction of this journey is in your hands. I am prepared to lend patience as you navigate this process. But please reply promptly because I am meeting Gordon for dinner at 5.
She’s in the trunk with Schrödinger’s cat
Yeah, this is definitely the case of she wants two side pieces! She appreciates what she gets from each man and doesn't want to give up either of them. She's asking your friend to go along with the idea, basically creating/maintaining an existential (but not physical) menage a trois. It's going to be up to him as to whether or not he's okay with that. Ha, good luck.